Breaking Down
by SparkleInTheSun
Summary: She wondered if the pain would ever end, if the tears would ever stop falling or if her heart would ever heal again. But then again, she thought; probably not.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Me own, nothing. **

**~ "Losing someone you love under the most cruel circumstances, hurts more than losing a piece of yourself. It's unfair and unjust." ~ **

**~ Breaking Down ~**

The weather perfectly fitted the mood; delicate snowflakes fell to the ground, the way they stuck to the ground on this day in particular would stick in the minds of those attending the funeral, that day. They stood for a moment, taking in the beautiful scene, a white blanket covering the ground quickly – and they thought about how the day seemed so _perfect._

One woman hung back among the crowd of people, desperate to get in the warmth. She just stood there, tears falling down her pale face, hitting the snow within seconds as she hung her head low in order to avoid any eye contact with those around her. She closed her eyes, biting down on her lip, trying to convince herself to take one step forwards, telling herself it was only a few more steps before she was inside the church, and maybe, just maybe... it would be okay.

Her body shook as she took one step, dragging one foot in front of the other. She tried her best to take her time, hoping that if she took long enough then she wouldn't have to face the nightmare she knew was waiting for her inside the church doors.

The tears were falling heavier as she placed her foot in front once more, knowing it was just one more step before she would step inside the church and then she wouldn't be able to pretend anymore; she'd have to forget all about her make-believe world, and this whole thing would be real.

She knew that one more step would be admitting defeat, one more step and she'd have to stop denying what happened. She wrapped her arms around herself before collapsing onto her knees, hot tears falling down her ashen face as heartbroken sobs escaped her throat. She clutched her chest, trying to stop the hurt, wanting to stop the pain but nothing could work – he was gone, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. He was gone.

She wanted to curl up in the snow, wishing it would cover her up, suffocating her until she could join him; _'till death do us part', _the vows seemed like a joke now. There was no such thing as 'parting', parting insinuated it would stop hurting, that the final end would come and it would just be a happy memory – but this would never stop hurting, and she just kept wishing that death wasn't the end. She shook her head at the thought, knowing that she would be leaving too many people behind, people who loved and cared for her. No matter how much she was hurting, she'd never be able to leave them being willingly.

She bit down on her lip, trying to stop the tears as she felt a hand on her shaking shoulder, her eyes meeting with those of the woman standing above her. She looked back down at the site of her best friend, memories flooding back as tears stung her eyes and that familiar aching returned to her chest. The brown haired woman helped her up, trying to smile at her friend as she nodded a 'thank you'.

She inhaled sharply, biting down as hard as she could on her lower lip, closing her eyes for a moment – ready to take that very last step into the rest of her life. The warm air hit her body immediately, her longing to be out in the cold almost causing her to stumble back out into the snow where everything seemed unreal. She shook the feeling off, knowing he would have wanted her to be here, this would have meant so much to him.

Her legs shook as she walked down the long aisle, sitting far away from everyone else in the crowded church, wrapping her arms around her legs to rest her chin on her knees. She wished she could close her eyes and think about something else, anything else – she wanted to try and remember the time they argued, she wanted to relive the memory of him telling her he loved her, she wanted to recall the time he got down on one knee and asked her to marry him and she wanted to treasure their wedding day for as long as she possibly could.

Her eyes trailed down to the front of the church, knowing she should be sitting with the rest of his family but she couldn't stand the thought of being _that _close to his coffin; she couldn't think about how close she would be to his cold, **dead **body. She shuddered lightly at the thought and dug her nails into her knees. She liked sitting by here, close enough to know what was going on, close enough to make him proud of her but far enough to stop herself from imagining him laying in that box.

She didn't dare move throughout the whole service, staring blankly ahead of her as she gently rocked herself back and forth, listening to the words but never really hearing them, only just managing to hear her name. Her heart started beating louder and louder, and she found herself wondering if everyone else could hear it thumping hard against her chest. Tears glazed her eyes, shaking her head when that familiar brunette walked over to her, taking her hand in hers and walking to the front of the aisle – not having the energy to fight.

She knew she had to this, listening to the whispered words of encouragement in her ear from the girl she knew as her childhood best friend, still walking closer and closer towards the coffin, towards _him. _

Tears flowed heavier down her face as she remembered the last time she was walking down this very same aisle, only he wasn't in a box, and he was smiling at her, nervously adjusting his tie. She looked around, knowing this would no longer be the church she remembered as the one she got married in, just the one she buried her husband in; the dream where all her nightmares had come true.

Her lip trembled when she reached the coffin, turning around to face everyone else, wishing she didn't have to look at all those faces staring back at her – the faces of those who loved him, and the people he loved back, the faces of his friends and family, the faces of those he had spoken to and laughed with, the faces of those he connected with, all of them held a small piece of his life; a life that had been so cruelly snatched away.

She knew herself too well, she knew that as soon as she spoke, the small amount of control she had left would break, and she'd breakdown in front of everyone. But she knew she had to this, if not for herself, then for _him; _he deserved a final goodbye.

"I-I..." She trailed off, stuttering over the first word, tears now falling freely down her face and dripping onto the stand in front of her. "I don't really have anything planned..." She gulped, her voice a gentle whisper as she tried her best to build up the courage to tell everyone exactly how she felt about the man she loved more than anything and anyone else.

"I-I l-loved him s-so much... he, uh, he was everything to me, he was my world...the only constant I've ever had in my life and I r-really don't know how I'm going to live without him." She turned to face that dreaded box, knowing the love of her life was in there, her hands shaking as she spoke again,

"I uh.. I.. when we met in kindergarten, I guess I always knew he was the one for me... I was just so scared to admit I even liked him when we got older, but when we finally did... I just, I knew he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. It got to a point where I could never really go a day without thinking about him, I needed him next to me... I-I relied on him to keep me safe and strong... I needed him." She paused, taking a moment to look at the swarms of faces of those staring at her, some sobbed, some cried onto the shoulder of the person next to her and others watched her with tears silently running down their faces.

"W-we got married e-eight years ago, but it always felt like longer, we knew everything and anything about each other and... it was perfect..." She shook her head, looking down at the floor, "I can't even begin to tell you what I'll miss about him the most but I'm going to miss everything he ever did for me, I'll miss the way he would hold me when I cried, I will miss the way I would wake up in the morning and find him staring at me, I miss the way he would kiss me with any chance he got.. I'll miss so much, but most of all... I'm going to miss the way he loved me."

She took a deep breath, tears falling down her cheeks as she spoke, "I didn't really think loving someone so much would ever be possible, I thought it only happened in movies or fairytales, but he managed to prove me wrong. I really don't know what to do without him, I don't even feel like there is really such thing as life without him, to be honest. I just... I-I miss him so much that it hurts, I close my eyes every night and I see him there and I just wish I could stay with him and I-I would do anything to go back to that night and make sure that nothing happened... I would do anything to bring him back to me..." She put her hand over her mouth, as Miley stood up and wrapped her arms around her shaking body, soothing her quietly as they walked back to her seat.

The woman shook as she sobbed quietly, gripping onto her friend as though she was the one lifeline she had left, reminding her that life went on, that people were left behind, no matter who dies – even if it was the love of your entire life – people move on and they expect you to do the same. But how could she, when there was no need anymore?

Time seemed to speed by, and she soon found herself outside, the snow still falling as she wrapped her arms around herself, pretending it was him for a second before she noticed the coffin, a lone tear falling down her cheeks as it was lowered into the newly dug hole into the ground, bumping against the sides a little before finally landing on the ground with a large thump. She jumped a little at the sound, stepping back from the grave a little as she dug her nails into her skin, wanting to be able to feel so much more than heartbreak right then. The snow carried on falling, coating the white coffin, adding an extra layer; just another blanket to keep the person inside a little safer.

She could hear people crying as soon as she coffin hit the ground, staring at the box for a while, half expecting him to jump out and tell them this was all a horrible joke. She would hit him and tell him how much she hated him for doing this to her, and then she'd forgive him after a while. She would rather hate him for the next month than lose him forever.

After a while she watched people leaving, some leaning down to place a flower on the coffin while others chucked a small amount of dirt onto the perfect blanched surface. But she stayed, despite the bitter cold, the harsh wind and the snow falling heavier around her. She stayed and stared down, wondering what he looked like, if there would be any sign of the handsome man he once was.

_That's my husband in there; being buried... that's my husband._

She felt someone walk behind her, a hand placed on her trembling shoulder and she nodded at the person, "Come on, let's go get you into the warm, Lilly." She bit down on her lip as Miley wrapped her arm around her shoulders and led her over to a car.

She put her head on her shoulder when they got into the car, hot tears falling once more, and she wondered for a moment if the pain would ever end, if the tears would ever stop falling or if her heart would ever heal again. But then again, she thought... **probably not. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Two ~ **

**Love: **It's one of the most powerful emotions one human being can experience, it can be you happy but kill you slowly at the same time. Love; it's hard to accept sometimes, how do you know if you really, truly love someone? How do you show them? _How can you possibly go on without them?_

It hurts at the best of times, but when that one person you love more than life itself, dies... nothing else really seems to matter, nothing seems right anymore, nothing else fits, there's no _purpose _for anything. It feels like there's nothing left to live for, and no matter how many times you try to tell your self that there's so many people you should live for, no matter how much you try to convince yourself that it doesn't hurt _that _bad – you still can't find that one reason to carry on living without him by your side.

It was those exact thoughts running through Lilly Oken's mind that very evening, holding her wedding album close to her chest as heartbroken sobs found their way to her throat and echoed around the large, empty house. Hot tears seemed to scorch their way down her pasty skin, the pain in her chest was the only thing reminding her that she was still alive, she was still breathing.

She sat up quickly, rubbing her eyes and letting the album drop to the floor before she ran into the sitting room. She quickly dropped onto her knees, hitting the hard floor next to the phone. A small smile evident on her face, her hands trembling as she pressed the messages before resting her head against the cool surface of the wall. It was a wave of relief when she heard his voice coming from the small speakers.

She had almost forgotten about the message, he was going to be late home from dropping their daughter, Lyric, off at camp; the eight year old had been so excited about her very first camping trip without her parents, but it was ruined by the memory and the guilt of it being the trip that murdered her father.

Oliver had phoned, making sure she was going to be okay, explaining why he would be late, the sound of horns beeping in the background. At the time, she didn't know that two hours later, he'd be dead.

"_Hey Lillypop, I just wanted to make sure you knew that I'm stuck in a load of traffic. I'll be back a little later than planned, but make sure you don't worry. Relax, gorgeous, I'll grab us something to eat on my way back. I just wanted to make sure my two girls were okay, say hello to the bump for me. I love you both so much, make sure neither of you ever forget that. See you soon, Mrs Oken, miss you already." _

She put her hands over her mouth as she screamed, biting down hard on her hand as heavy tears found their way down her face, Lilly rocked herself gently back and forth, wrapping her arms around herself, closing her eyes and pretending that Oliver was right there next to her. "Oliver..." She whispered into the empty room, putting her hand on her stomach when she felt a small kick.

She reached up again, pressing the message again before laying down on the cold floor, her hand remaining on her bump as she listened to the sound of his voice playing over and over again. "Come back..." She sobbed when the message ended, a long beep before it started again, "You promised me..."She murmured, closing her eyes tight. "You promised you'd never leave me.." She felt another kick, ignoring the unborn baby, quickly removing her hand from her stomach as though it had burnt her.

She looked down at the large bump, it was just another harsh reminder of what Oliver had left behind, it was just another way to cause her even more pain. "How do you expect me to do this without you? How am I supposed to tell her you loved her when you're no longer here?" She bit down on her lip, wishing she could just answer her as his message played once more.

Suddenly, she sat up, leaning against the wall and closing her eyes, a small smile at the sound of his voice, it was just like he was right here, talking to her as she tried to sleep, just like he was right next to her, _for now. _

"_I'm so sorry Mrs Oken, but your husband was involved in a head on collision earlier this evening. We're sorry for your loss." _

She woke up sweating and shaking as she remembered that evening, she wanted to scream, the words refusing to leave her mind as they bounced back and forth, echoing over and over again; not leaving her alone.

"Please..." She whimpered, "Please stop.." She clutched her head, curling up into a tight ball as fresh tears fell down her face. Her complexion was considerably paler as she thought about that night, remembering how unfair it was, he had never done anything horrible to anyone, he'd never done anything wrong.. she loved him and she always would.

She couldn't believe it; it was never supposed to end this way. She wasn't supposed to be a widow by twenty eight, a single mother of two. Why did he have to insist on getting home quickly to her? Why did he have to stop off for food? Why did he leave her? Why did he have to do this to her? To their children? Why?

She stood up, her legs shaking as she finally turned off the message, immediately missing the sound of his voice as the house returned to complete silence. She slowly made her way through the house, realizing how cold it felt without him, nut understanding how she could be expected to carry on living without him.

She walked into the kitchen, not really thinking as she grabbed a large knife, stumbling back into the wall behind her. She thought about doing it, just for a second, sliding down the wall as she thought about how much it would hurt, would he wrap his arms around her and keep her safe? Would it all stop hurting? Would she be okay?

She wanted a reason not to do it, wishing that her children were enough to make her want to stay. The child inside of her and the little girl who looked so much liker daddy, it only hurt more. Looking at Lyric, the way she smiled, it was too much for her to handle.

Her friends, they were important, especially Miley, but they weren't enough to make her want to live. They had their own lives to continue, they had people they loved, people who were still alive. She couldn't help but resent them for that fact alone.

Her job, it hardly seemed important enough anymore, she couldn't pretend like everything was alright in front of them. She couldn't cope. Whenever she heard her own voice, it would remind her of what she had lost, seeing any Police would bring those memories back of them knocking at her door. Everything reminded her of him, and what happened. She just wanted a sign, anything that would tell her she had to live; but nothing came to mind – nothing.

"Why?!" She finally screamed into the house, dropping the knife and falling to her knees, her fingers curled through her blonde hair as she stared down at the floor. "Why him? Why did you have to take him away from me? Why did you murder him?" She spoke to the God she had never been able to find the will to believe in, but now he seemed harsh and cruel.

"I hate you!" She screeched, finally standing up and chucking everything she could get her hands on across the room, screaming loudly as she did, tears dropping down her face before she finally collapsed onto the ground, breathing heavy as she whispered his name, begging him to come back to her, back to where he belonged.

She bit down on her lip, her hand on her stomach as she curled up into a tiny ball, willing her husband to come home and wake her up from this nightmare she unwillingly found herself being dragged into. She tried to convince herself that she was going to wake up soon, because all of this was just a nightmare, life wasn't that cruel... was it?


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Three ~ **

She opened her eyes the next morning, standing up quickly to walk into the sitting room and lay on the couch. She smiled as she remembered all those times she would be sitting on this very couch, cuddling up to her husband after a long day at work. He'd kiss her gently and let her know how much he loved her – she longed to hear those words again, feel those lips on hers once more, more than anything.

She could never forget the time when she took his hands in hers, squeezing them gently and telling him she was pregnant. It was in this very room and he had picked her up and danced with her throughout the whole house.

She had always wondered what she had done to deserve such an amazing man, the way he loved her had made her feel like the happiest, luckiest woman on earth. The only safety she felt was in his arms, whenever he kissed her and told her he loved her.. it was so natural, so simple but so amazing.

She bit down on her lip before turning on the television, smiling lightly when the home video she had been playing a few nights before appeared on the screen. She laughed when she saw him running around the garden with Lyric, tears falling heavily and quickly down her face as she held a cushion close to her chest.

"Oliver..." She whispered as his face came close to the screen, her heart skipping a few beats when he looked straight into the camera, winking and grinning as wide as he could before shouting "I love you,"The words pierced through her like a bullet, the tears falling heavier than ever before as the realization hit her, _she'd never hear him say those words ever again. _

His voice sent tingled through her already shaking body, and she longed to have him next to her, touching her once more... but he wasn't here anymore.. and all she had left were home videos, photographs and fading memories – would it ever be enough?

Her hand trailed down to her stomach as a twinge hit her, she thought about how it was possible to move on, but she couldn't even imagine her life without him, how could she be expected to do this without him? How was she supposed to live without him, when she didn't know how? She never had to, before.

She felt a small kick and she smiled, tracing a small circle on her stomach as she thought about the small child growing inside of her, "I'm going to love you so much, I'll love you enough for the both of us.." Her voice was raspy as she spoke to her unborn child, her eyes trailing up to the photograph of her and Oliver on their wedding day,

She bit down hard on her lower lip, hearing someone walk through the door. She already knew who it was from the sound of their heels hitting the hardwood flooring with every frantic step they took.

"Lilly?" The voice echoed, bouncing off the walls and hitting Lilly's ears as she sat there, unmoving, staring at the smile that had been on her face on the happiest day of her life. She thought about being happy again, but quickly decided it was impossible to feel like that more than once and with more than one man.

"Lilly?" She couldn't move, finding herself lost in his eyes like she had done so many times before, when he was alive and here with her. When he was okay.

"Hey, it's going to be okay." Miley sighed when she found her best friend, wrapping her arms around the shaking woman and smoothing down her long, blonde hair as she soothed the girl softly.

"I don't know what to do... tell me what to do..." Lilly looked at her, tears falling down her pale face as Miley shook her head, biting down on her lip to stop her own tears falling from her eyes.

"You're going to move on, but you can never forget him... I promise that you can do this." Her voice was barely a whisper as she rocked her friend back and forth, a lone tear falling down her face.

"I don't know how to move on," The girl weakly whispered back, "You'll find a way, this baby and Lyric will help you do that." Miley gave her a small smile and looked down at her own stomach, her bump a lot bigger than Lilly's, smiling as she thought about the small baby that would soon arrive.

"Your baby has a father.." Lilly muttered bitterly, "I know that, but look at me.." She turned Lilly to face her and shook her head, "You need to take all that love you have for Oliver and give it to this baby and to Lyric because it will be enough, for all three of you. And no matter what, you have me and Jake, always."

"P-promise?" Her voice was weak as she rested her head on Miley's shoulder and closed her eyes, "I promise.. Oliver would have wanted nothing more than for you to be happy, he'd want you to smile and to laugh, he'd never want this."

"I just want a chance to say goodbye..."

"You don't have to, just.. hello, to a new family."Lilly nodded, trying to smile as she turned back to the TV, thinking about the possibility of a new life without Oliver, not ever sure if it would be possible... or even manageable... but she knew she had to try. He'd want that.

_Every hello, ends with a goodbye._


End file.
